“On Friday night I had a panic attack. The first in over, probably, 20 years. And it took me by complete surprise.” *
It also surprised those who know her. She is the calm one, described as peaceful, she exercises regularly, eats well, doesn’t drink much, practices yoga and mediation, has fortunate family circumstances, she is well informed on mental health, it was only week 2 of social distancing....
And she said she didn’t feel anxious....
So what was her sub-conscious up to?
My hypothesis (based on her disclosure)? Slowly creeping levels of anxiety, as news of CV-19 and its’ potential impact over months before lockdown, and then, week one of home-schooling;
· Kids in school at home, all with different demands, all invading her working space and time
· Constant feeding of those kids!
· Uncertainty about her job
· Doing the supermarket shop whilst maintaining the 2-metre dance mid-aisle, and without breathing (suggesting a career opportunity in free-diving when all this is over).
· Feeling a need but also an obligation to ‘keep communicating’
· Wanting and yet not wanting to be kept up to date (Daily briefings, Whatsapp groups, twitter, Houseparty, Zoom, comedy CV-19 videos, latest statistics etc etc).
· And more.....
So perhaps it shouldn’t have been a surprise, given the level of change we had been experiencing over those first few weeks of lockdown. Perhaps, in between Zoom calls, more of us having been feeling anxious than are letting on.
Back to her panic attack – when it rose, she grabbed her kindle, quickly she downloaded a comedy (rather than the dramatic wartime epic she was about to start), read, breathed slowly and deeply a lot and beat the anxiety down. The next day she followed a guided meditation, started reflecting on what was going on in her house and with how she was handling it and told me she was feeling fine. Honestly, really fine.
The Fertile Void
Later that day after her call, I was reading the weekend papers and was reminded of the concept ‘fertile void’ in one of agony columns. A timely phrase indeed and one that resonated with conversations I’d had with coaching colleagues on importance of the reflexivity and learning whilst doing less in this transitional period.
The fertile void is a term first coined by Fritz Perls** to describe a space where we accept and enter ‘nothingness’ or as he clarifies ‘no-thingness’. The closer we are to ‘being and not knowing’ – a condition now forced upon many of us physically at least, the closer we are to creativity and possibility. As I talk to friends and colleagues, I note how many more of us are no longer fighting against the tide of these new circumstances but where we can, are going with their flow, and finding new possibilities within the home. This is clearly evidenced in the level of innovation that is accelerating in so many sectors, from the screens in pharmacies, to using the back doors on London buses, to the race to create a vaccine.
The newspaper column also referred to the work of psychotherapist Julia Samuel who writes of the importance of giving ourselves space between our old and new selves. In her fascinating and aptly named book “This Too Shall Pass”*** she describes the fertile void as “a neutral zone of uncertainty that is uncomfortable or even-crazy making’. I like this explanation, as it is not suggesting that we sit in a zen-like state or in ignorance or avoidance, but instead that we note the discomfort and adapt around it.
Of course, as Gestalt practitioners remind us****, change is constant. It was only yesterday, as the government announced its latest roadmap from CV-19, highlighting a phase of more uncertainty. I spoke to someone who disclosed he awoke to an anxious feeling.1 He rarely talks of his mental health, so again, it was a surprising admission. He described what he was experiencing and explained that he was going to return to his desk and gently notice the sensations of anxiety. He was going to acknowledge them, accept their presence, and get on with his day much like Julia Samuel described above.
After week 2 in isolation, I caught up with my friend (virtually, of course). She says her family has settled into equilibrium. They’ve set more boundaries, around work time vs. school support vs. tech time vs. switching off time. And like the luckier ones of us, she reflects with gratitude that she is well and now more aware of her fragility and of the need to continue to step into the fertile void.
* Full permission, encouragement and enthusiasm was given by the subjects for this article.
**Gestalt Therapy Verbatim’ – Frederick S. Perls
***This Too Shall Pass’ - Julia Samuel
****The Fertile Void – Gestalt Coaching at Work’ – John Leary-Joyce